October 2012 Civility
October 20, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct 20 ~ Civility is a gift, not as in an “ability,” but as in something shared with your neighbor. #civility
Honestly, this is more a prayer or a mantra for me, and less a snappy quote. Civility has to be owned, modeled and used to really bring the greatest impact to our dialogue. Enough with vilifications and assumptions about our neighbors. Weigh the content of a person’s words and actions and respond to those things.
Don’t let dialogue become a personal attack. Don’t let conversations become a contest of assigning other people bad intentions or alterior motives. Listen well, reflect on the content, and respond of you feel you need to add something to the move the conversation along.
October 19, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 19 ~ Quote: “Teaching civility is an obligation of the family.” – Stephen Carter #civility
This is really true. Parents, your kids are listening! They will say what you say, and will speak like you speak. Do they hear you ridiculing people? Do they hear you tearing people down to stand a little taller? We carry the burden of making sure we model what they most need from us.
As with so many things, if we make civility a hallmark of our families, society will be changed in amazing ways. Generations to come should be able to look back and thank us for setting a better course for our national and community discourse!
October 18, 2012 Redux in 2016
*I almost skipped this entry from four years ago. I do still believe that civility allows for some good natured humor, but there’s not much funny today when we hear Donald Trump’s careless rhetoric and words, either about rigged elections or women. Maybe this is a needed reminder of how these elections and candidacies should be going. Who would have thought that four years ago would seem so tame and be remembered so fondly. Weird, huh?
Oct. 18 ~ Civility does allow for humor, just be wise & fair, and use some whimsy! #civility
Of course civility allows for some humor, just keep it fair and whimsical, and be wise. The most current, gut-busting example is the MEME activity with Governor Romney’s statement about having “binders full of women.”
And the funniest of the MEME’s to me don’t even have his picture in them, but instead have President Clinton making some funny face or even Boromir. I’m cracking up over these things! Here are my three favorites, none of which show Governor Romney…
…and my all time fav below…
Do some of the MEME’s out there cross the line of civility? Yes indeed. Some are mean spirited ones and some are simply misrepresenting the comment. Was it a poor choice of words? Sure thing. Was it funny? Heck yeah!
I don’t believe that it’s fair or correct to judge Governor Romney’s views on women by that statement, which was obviously not well thought out. We just need to be able to laugh sometimes and let things be humorous. Just stick with the whimsy and leave the meanness out!
October 17, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 17 ~ Civility can be contagious… spread the goodness! #civility
You will be changing the world around you tokay just by being present with others, so let your impact be to expand the greater grace and goodness made possible by civility! Let this seed of change for the better begin with you, and begin with me! We can change the course of human dialogue and discussion by simply being anchors of civil discourse for the people around us.
Did you have a favorite candidate in the Presidential Election? It’s totally cool if you do, most will have a favorite. Now, try to stop and think of the other candidate in the best possible terms. You don’t have to agree with what he or she says and does, but stop using a negative lens to see and hear everything about him.
Can you do it? If you can, then I bet you can also resist posting smarmy, insulting and uncivil remarks about him on Facebook today! See the best in everyone around you and they just might begin begin living up to some of those expectations!
October 15, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 15 ~ Civility won’t always be the funnest or funniest response. It can be hard being an adult. #civility
Yeah, I know. Incivility can be funny, and fun. But we have to have our sights set on higher goals. Have we mentioned that civility has a price tag? Indeed, it does. And the person choosing civility most often pays it.
We like to get a laugh. We like to “score a point” for our side. It often takes a mature measure of self-control and wisdom to choose to be civil, to choose to be civil instead of funny or vindictive.
October 14, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 14 ~ Civility accepts an apology. #civility
Do we need to elaborate? Civility is always asking more of us than the easiest response in situations of disagreement or simple divergence on issues and topics of life. This is no different.
Civility will allow the other to apologize, and will do so with grace and courtesy. Accepting an apology is tough stuff, but that’s all the more reason to knuckle down and get it done! The tough choices are often the most needful.
At the end of the day, it’s a civil response to accept the other’s apology because the day will come soon enough when you need your own accepted!
October 13, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 13 ~ Civility asks good questions. #civility
If we believe that civility is built on things like fairness and honesty then we will be asking good questions. No one likes leading questions or the good ole “gotcha” questions. Those kinds of tactics don’t advance conversations or ever convince anyone of anything.
Good questions seek to understand and to help the other person fully verbalize their thoughts. This kind of participatory listening and asking good questions can help everyone get a better grip on where a conversation has been, where it is, and where it can and needs to go!
Try it! Instead of “How stupid can you be?” ask the person “Who has influenced you most in your opinion on this topic?” Then listen! Instead of asking “How many more people must die at the hands of your ignorance?” ask them “So, what if we did things this way over here… what do you think would change?” And then listen!
Good questions lead to good conversations!
October 12, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 12 ~ An opportunity of civility: opposing ideas working together can result in creative new options. #civility
Only when we recognize that both sides of an issue or argument will have some merit, some usable contribution, some wisdom and some worth, can we bring together all our variety of thoughts and experiences to create imaginative, new options.
The polarization of incivility simply divides us into camps devoted to the destruction and dominance of the other side, often in ways that block our own ability to be reflective or to adapt when needed. But if we can ever set aside some of the barriers that we build to “win” we just might be able to replace them with bridges that bring us together in amazing new ways.
Here’s some great work written on the creativity that holds opposing ideas in a constructive tension… The Opposable Mind by Roger Martin. It’s a great book that I highly recommend!
October 11, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 11 ~ Allow the other to self-identify: Muslim, Christian, Atheist, Democrat, Republican, etc… #civility
It is basic courtesy and also civil to allow the other person to self-identify. It’s very common these days to hear things like, “She’s not really a liberal” or “He’s secretly a socialist.” From politics to religion, re-identifying people is a tool to isolate and motivate.
Isolate? Oh yes, this is a way that candidates or people are “cut from the herd.” If you don’t like what someone says, then remove them from the “group” so that their voice is minimized. It’s really a step beyond winning an argument as you assume the role of arbitrating who is even allowed to participate in the discussion. In a religious context you strip someone of the self-identifers of Christian, Muslim, Evangelical, Catholic… and in a political discourse the person becomes less than or simply not a Conservative, a Liberal, a Republican, a Democrat or even an American.
Motivate? Oh, yes this motivates! Few things can motivate the masses to rally to your cause than exposing the “wolf among the sheep,” the one who comes in under another guise and is set to attack and devour. Re-identifying the other person can motivate the mob and rally the troops. It can also incite the mob when we use loaded labels for the other person! We all know what it means in certain contexts to call someone a “Socialist” in our country, or a maybe a “Muslim” a “Liberal” or “Un-American.”
Civility allows the other person to self-identify. This is not the same as ignoring the substance of their arguments or abdicating your own convictions. The civil person may still challenge the substance of a statement or an argument. The civil person may still ask questions about and respond to the content of the other person’s words and actions. But the civil person will not take the other person’s ability and right to self-identify. In a real way this is living out the “golden rule” of “doing to others as you would have do to you.” What a great rule for guiding our discourse!
October 10, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 10 ~ An opportunity of civility: you just might learn something when not screaming. #civility
Admittedly, this one is a little lighter today and I hope someone gets a chuckles from it. But at the same time, it’s a good one to remember.
In fact, it’s a good one to remember when speaking in political discourse, religious discourse, or just trying to figure out whose day it is to make coffee at the office. This one will hold true when we talk to our kids and when we walk up on the Meter Attendant slipping the parking ticket under our wiper blade.
Today’s post is about “posture” as much as volume. Am I postured for civil discourse? Does my body language, my reflex and habit, my volume, communicate that I’m ready to learn?
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