Empathy
Mingling the Human & Divine
A few months ago I was walking our little dog Tito in the neighborhood, fairly mentally zoned out, when a big silver pickup truck rounds a corner and pulls directly over to stop at the curb near me. Yes, it was a little unnerving, but I stopped and the passenger side window went down. Inside is a big burly guy behind the wheel with tears flowing and he asks me if I could stop and talk a bit.
I could and I did.
The concentrated cigarette punch from the truck was enough make my eyes water, but I leaned against the door and asked what was going on. He described through his tears how he was just done, how he had damaged and maybe ruined his most important relationships, and how he wasn’t sure if there was any reason to keep going.
I think I might have reached in to touch his shoulder, and I began the litany. You probably know the words, “Brother, I hear you. I hear how bad it is and I hear how much it hurts. Going on is the way you heal. Going on is the way you repair what can be fixed, and how you atone for what cannot. God’s got you. God’s not done with you. God will go on with you.”
I know more was said and more tears fell, but I honestly don’t remember it all. High emotion has a way of making that deep recall difficult. I do know that after a few minutes, some more tears and some deep breaths he drove off. I walked Tito home and went on with my day, hopeful that I’d done anything to help.
Now we jump to this morning and Tito and I are headed out for our morning patrol. We get about half the way up my block and I see a guy in a driveway who had been prepping for some lawn work, but was now just standing there watching me approach. I got closer and he says, “Man, I’ve been watching and waiting to see you. You probably don’t remember me.”
That’s when I noticed his big silver truck and looked back at him and nodded, “Brother, I do.” He goes on to tell me that since we talked that morning he had put himself into rehab and he’s made it to 90 days sober. He told me about his new morning prayer routine and how God has helped him pick up the pieces. He said his wife recently told him, “I’m so glad to have my husband back.”
He asked if he could give me a hug and I said, “I need one!”
Over the years I’ve often prayed things like, “God, just use me. Put me in places of need.” As God has answered that prayer I’ve noticed that it’s not always a very comfortable experience. It’s almost never happened as I imagined it would or as I would choose. But God has answered the prayer, and I think I’ve been put in situations which I needed as much as I might be needed.
Some prominent voices in our public discourse have recently offered the idea that empathy is a weakness and even a damaging sentiment. Empathy is different from pity or sympathy in that it’s the ability to connect with the feelings of another, to connect with and share their humanity. I personally tend to define empathy with the words of our faith, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Does that mean I should love my neighbor as I love myself, or maybe on a deeper level I love my neighbor because they are me, and I am them?
I believe empathy is a muscle that when strengthened allows us to hold onto one another past any fears or barriers that arise. It’s the strength to make a connection and to love. Empathy is the power of presence, to truly be with someone beyond simple proximity.
The late and great Howard Thurman once wrote that “…hatred often begins in a situation in which there is contact without fellowship, contact that is devoid of any of the primary overtures of warmth and fellow-feeling and genuineness.” (Jesus and the Disinherited, 1949.) Digest that for a moment: contact without fellowship. How much hatred and accompanying fear festers in our society because we allow proximity without the effort of empathy and compassion? How often do we avoid contact, much less fellowship?
The next time any voice asks you to hate someone, to fear someone or to hold someone at a distance, the best response would be to take a deep breath, draw nearer and to flex that muscle of empathy. See the other person’s humanity, their value and beauty, even if those come in forms and expressions that are new for you.
I’m going to keep praying for God to put me in the places of need, without specifying that it be another’s need or my own. Though it’s not always easy, I’m going to keep stretching myself to lean in and empathize with others. I believe that in such empathy and presence we again mingle the human and the divine, incarnating the healing wholeness modeled by our Christ. I know I felt Christ’s presence in that hug.
AMDG, Todd
A Short Reminder of Empathy
Whether you are Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Atheist, Hindu, Buddhist or you identify with any other religion on this shared globe, you can love these two, hurt for them and hope for them. Whether you are Syrian, American, French, Korean, Kenyan, or any other nationality on this immense earth, you can can recognize their humanity, their need and their beauty.
I don’t care what they are wearing, either religiously or culturally… I feel like I’m watching a video of my own grandparents. I see my wife, and I see me. I see love and pain. I see two human beings.
Their marriage sounds so different than our marriage, but then again our marriage (at the ages of 19 and 21) seems more than a little crazy to some of our friends who are just now getting married in their late 30’s and 40’s. I hope that my wife and I can make such joy of our love at such an age. I hope we can one day make a whimsical video about our 65 year love affair.
I also hope we don’t reach that milestone just to be bombed from our home and driven into a refugee camp. I pray that we always know where our children are and that we can see them and speak with them and know they are safe.
Syria is not so far away after all. I haven’t done enough.
AMDG, Todd
Nov. 7, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 7: Civility is a debt I owe my neighbor.
Proverbs 3:29-31, “Do not plot harm against your neighbor, who lives trustfully near you. Do not accuse anyone for no reason– when they have done you no harm. Do not envy the violent or choose any of their ways.”
These few verses do a wonderful job of challenging an entrenched individualism and distorted sense of self-preservation that is an undercurrent to a lot of American dialogue… in my humble opinion. The scriptural witness often points us outward to a concern and care for others that at times will seem to defy common sense and definitely push us out of our comfort zones. The verses today are somewhat passive in their nature of “don’t do.” They are also somewhat aggressive in their nature of re-orienting me from one wisdom to another.
What do I not do as a civil person of faith? I don’t plot ill for someone else, especially the “trusting” neighbor. We’ve already mentioned the place of empathy in civility, and now we add a new level of trustworthiness and “neighbor-care.” My neighbor should be able to trust that I’m not plotting against her or him. I hold a responsibility to commit myself to my neighbor’s good.
In the same vein, I will not falsely accuse that neighbor. False accusation is not in their best interest, and therefore is it not an option for me. We sometimes speak of the public trust and what responsibilities the various levels of government owe us as citizens, but do we speak enough of the trust we hold to one another as neighbors? I must not plot and accuse the trusting, innocent neighbor. Civility means I am worthy of their trust.
What about the neighbor who is not so innocent? I mean, if my neighbor steps out of line, well… we have a saying for that, right? We say, “Fight fire with fire!” I would bet the first time I ever heard that saying was in a cartoon, right around the time Bugs Bunny was declaring, “Of course you know, this means war!” But wherever I first heard it, there’s no question it’s an entrenched axiom (a perceived self-evident truth) that we have embraced. Our proverb challenges that with a simple injunction: Don’t envy the violent or adopt their ways.
Wow. My faith is calling me to something greater than fighting fire with fire? I immediately think of St. Paul’s poetic words in Romans 12:21, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” That’s such an awesome chapter, right?
Civility in my life will grow from a faithful development of trustworthiness in myself and a refusal to perpetuate the cycles created by a self-centered need to retaliate in kind against offenses to me. I look to my neighbor’s best interests. My neighbor, innocent or not, trusting or not, violent or not, has reason to expect a consistent lack of malice from me. No matter the gain that seems attainable by the ways of the violent, my path is already chosen and set. I pray that my neighbor is always safe with me.
AMDG, Todd
Nov. 4, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 4: What is my way? Do I follow a way of cursing or a way of blessing?
Romans 12:14-16, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another.”
St. Paul seems to believe that there is a harmony that exists outside of conformity or agreement, revenge or vengeance. In the face of those who disagree with us, even violently, Paul’s calling us to harmony. If Jesus hadn’t already presented us with the blessing of the peacemaker and the idea of not having enemies, I might just not worry about Paul on this one. But as it is, he’s following the lead of Jesus.
Harmony. What is a harmonizing life and behavior? In Paul’s view it seems to include an intense awareness of the other person and a response to them that meets their best interest and needs. So if the other is happy, be happy with them. If the other is hurting, hurt with them. If the other is attacking you, look into their situation and see their hurt, their pain and their need, and lift that in prayer. I’ve heard several wiser people than I mention the principle that “Those who cause pain do so out of their own pain.” Seeing the offender’s hurt is a needful step in responding in a way that might lead to their healing, and my truest healing as well.
Empathy seems to be a fundamental need of civility. We must learn to see the other and truly recognize where they are coming from and where they are going, otherwise we are just going to keep speaking out of step and missing each other. If we can’t emphasize with the other we’ll surely demonize them. Not only do we run the risk of falling into a cycle of vengeance, but we also miss the chance to share the other’s joy and share the other’s pain. This doesn’t mean we let ourselves be used and abused again and again. It means that we side-step the ego’s demand to retaliate and punish, which opens the door for a better response. Perhaps when we take a step to break that cycle of causing pain and pray for the one least deserving of our prayers, we might open a door to the needed healing.
It seems that harmony is another step away from the idea of dominating, defeating or winning. It sounds more like participating, sharing and supporting. It also sounds costly, because it demands an investment from me: energy, empathy and forgiveness. Honestly, the one persecuting and mistreating may never change. Their behavior might continue to be destructive. Our prayers have a layered effect of helping us maintain our responsibility to be as civil as we can, of helping us lay down the burden and move on with our healing, and of making sure that our voices are not found among the sources of discord and disharmony in the world.
Since we can only do what we can do, harmony is always our effort. Choosing a “way of blessing” for our lives is a daily walk, not necessarily a destination. I might often get a little off course, but hopefully not too often. That simple phrase in St. Paul’s verse “bless and not curse” is maybe the place we most engage harmony. It reminds me of the medical mantra, “first do no harm.” What’s my reflex? Do I move to curse or to bless? Am I a person of cursing or of blessing. What is my way? I guess I’m still working it out, but hoping to tip the scale toward blessing.
AMDG, Todd
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