October 2012 Civility
October 9, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 9 ~ A person doesn’t need to be a hypocrite to hold an opinion differing from your own. #civility
Too often we hear a person maligned as a “hypocrite,” or we malign a person as a hypocrite, when expressing their opinion on an issue. And truthfully, we may be hearing them as very hypocritical. But have we listened well enough and asked good enough questions to understand how they arrived at the position they are espousing, and therefore level such an accusation?
We’re personally involved in the discourse. For me myself, it’s very true that I might be hypocritical indeed should I ever espouse their position. That gut knowledge that things wouldn’t be right for myself in their shoes can mislead me to believing that things aren’t right for them. It becomes too easy to assign the speaker malicious or nefarious motives.
We also often arrive at the conclusion that a person is a hypocrite by selective and easy posturing of ideas and positions into parity or equality. So, we begin by saying that if A = B and B = C, then A = C. This works in mathematics, but might cause a problem in other areas. We go on to say that if Opinion A = Opinion B, and Opinion B equals Opinion C, then Opinion A = Opinion C. It makes sense on the surface.
But in the human mind and heart we have a variety of values and beliefs, and many different experiences. A person may be speaking to Opinions A and B from a certain value and belief, but then speak to Opinion C after adding a second value into the equation. Or, a person’s experience leads them to develop Opinions A, B and C on the same value set, but Opinion B is nuanced out of parity with the others by personal trauma, frustration, pain or relationships.
You can’t know any of this about a person once you label them hypocrite and then have to bend all of your effort and influence to prove your claim. At the end of the day the person just might be a naughty hypocrite, but it’s not civil to assume that or begin with that presupposition. Civility will draw you into a discourse in which you can know the other and be known, in deeper, meaningful ways.
October 8, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 8 ~ Civility does not weaken your argument, it establishes it for posterity. #civility
Too many times we believe that things like shrillness, dominance, volume and agression mark the good debater, the solid argument and the one who can shape social opinion. The other part of that misconception is that civility represets a kind of weakness. It is supposed that the argument made civilly is a missed opportunity.
Civility is not a weakness, but a strength for the longer term. When you or I are able to express and share our thoughts in a civil manner we establish those thoughts on a foundation that can last. We all want to be heard, but not at the expense of being heard well.
Incivility is a short cut that doesn’t pay off. Incivility can and often does bully itself onto the stage of public discourse and seems to have an audience, but it doesn’t last, it has no solid foundation.
We should let civility shape our discourse so that posterity will be able to continue to hear, to use and to righty judge the substance of our thought.
October 7, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 7 ~ Civility allows for the “benefit of the doubt,” a response of hope. #civility
*I know it’s getting hard to be hopeful, but we can do it!
Civility has everything to do with hope, and giving the benefit of the doubt is often the first seed of hope that is sown in disagreement. When you give the benefit of the doubt you assume that the other person is not evil or irredeemable, even as they speak a position or opinion that is antithetical to your own.
When you do this you allow for many things to happen… you allow for them to nuance the things they have said. You allow them to keep speaking so that you might better understand them. You allow them to be a “work in progress.” And if we are serious about communication, then we recognize the progress needed by all of us.
Giving the benefit of the doubt also keeps the judgmental expressions off our faces. It keeps us from simply walking away. It keeps us from shutting down and giving up hope, and hope can be contagious. If we keep our hope alive, it just might spread and grow.
October 6, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 6 ~ Civility supports the dignity of all persons by affirming their worth and the value of their participation. #civility
*This is something to think about, today. We’ve hit a point when not only are candidates ridiculed and smeared, but their supporters are called names as well. We hear “I’m going to cancel your vote” and taunts like that. The cynicism has reached new heights.
I’m hearing more and more voices in my lifetime that would limit who should be able to vote, and lamenting the many kinds of people who do. And they aren’t talking about race or gender, they’re talking about assumed intellectual and cognitive abilities.
It is simply uncivil to begin to pick and choose who has worth in our system of deliberation and choice. Just yesterday I watched SNL’s “Undecided Voter” gag. And I’ll admit I chuckled a few times. It was a funny, satirical poke at how many of us look at the other voters around us, especially those who disagree with us.
Still, civility demands of us a commitment to the value and worth of the other people participating in our discourse. I tweeted the last couple of days about the gift of allowing the other to speak and be heard. We won’t do that unless we understand our need for the other, their value and the importance of their participation.
October 5, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 5 ~ Civility supports the dignity of all persons by allowing all to be heard. #civility
*It’s easy to try to shout over someone. It’s easy to judge someone as not worthy of being heard. Give the gift of hearing someone out. Dignity is a mutual possession, we cannot deny it to one and save it for another.
There is a difference between allowing someone to speak, and listening to them. We have all been in situations where we had a voice, but no one else had ears. A great measure of dignity is afforded to both the speaker and listener when a person is given the gift of being heard.
Letting people speak is a good thing… it is respectful and civil. And it is usually for the most part passive. When we really listen we move from passive to active. Look at the other person, make eye contact, set aside distractions.
Don’t just try to think of the quickest, strongest retort while someone speaks. Instead, listen and let their words be fully spoken, fully heard, and then have a moment to their own. Taking time like this can help both the speaker and listener understand what was said. It’s also amazing how an active, attentive listener can help the speaker focus on their words for greater clarity and efficacy.
We’re talking about actual communication happening! That’s a good thing! It’s a great thing! It’s an affirming partnership even in disagreement.
October 4, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 4 ~ Civility supports the dignity of all persons by allowing all to speak. #civility
If civility is truly marked by calmness, honesty, clarity and fairness, then I absolutely believe incivility is marked by shrillness, dominance, disenfranchisement and theft of voice. Incivility will eventually attempt to shout the other down, to drown out opposing ideas and to make the other silent.
Civility gives the gift of allowing all to speak. And in doing so, civility safeguards not only the dignity of the other, but also your own. Being civil and allowing the other to speak is not an endorsement of what is said, but it is a recognition that we must give the same respect that we would receive.
October 3, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 3 ~ Civility requires more of us than just winning… it requires connection with the other. #civility
And I don’t mean that quite as mystical as it might sound. I mean really, we are required to connect with the other person. It may be more fun to ridicule them or label them in ways that create distance between you, but that is not civil, not what brings ideas together, and certainly not what facilitates sharing and creation of new options and innovations.
Incivility says, “He’s Un-American!” or “She’s a Socialist!” Incivility believes that winning an argument at the cost of someone’s dignity is acceptable. Incivility divides so that we alone are good and right, and the other is evil and wrong.
Every four years in America we face “the most crucial election of our time.” Why do people speak like that? It’s simple. They want you afraid and prepared to win at all costs. When you are afraid that our society and civilization teeters every four years on the brink of destruction, then civil discourse sounds a bit passe and requires too much time to pursue. Instead, just rip and tear, and do what it takes to win.
That kind of thinking denies that you have anything in common with “the other,” the other person, the other party, the other idea, the other side. It takes a bit of effort, but we can step right over that kind of thinking. We can step right past it and realize vital connections that bring us together in ways that create friendship, collaboration and better options for our society. We are far more alike and connected than incivility can tolerate.
October 2, 2012 Redux in 2016
Oct. 2 ~ An opportunity of civility: one who disagrees with you is not necessarily evil or an “enemy.” #civility
*Four years later, this is an important point to be made. We don’t have to hate people who think differently from us. Being different shouldn’t automatically make us enemies, but can present us with an opportunity to learn. This doesn’t mean that I capitulate to other ideas or that lose my right to an opinion, or that I stop opposing ideas that I find destructive. This doesn’t mean that all ideas are equally valid and constructive. Civility will fundamentally change me, not someone who disagrees with me. Civility prepares me for discourse and debate. Lacking a need to hate another person leaves me free to imagine a time when can we work together.
That’s right, not everyone who thinks differently than you is evil, wrong, horrible or an enemy to fight and defeat. Incivility has a way of vilifying the other person and making any type of respectful sharing or discussion impossible.
The opportunity of starting from a place of not judging and condemning the other person allows us to listen better and to listen more fully. Once we decide an opposing idea or person is simply evil, there’s no recourse but to defeat it. If we allow the other person to be whole, genuine, and good, until proven otherwise, then we are able to ask good questions, get to know them, and to engage what they are saying for a better understanding.
In this way, should an idea (and even the person holding it) be found within our civil discourse to be lacking fundmental goodness, honesty or better intent, then we are far more ready to oppose the idea and present a better way. Incivility on our own part will have removed that opportunity.
Civility is the strongest foundation for debate.
October 1, 2012 Redux in 2016!
Oct. 1 ~ Civility is marked by calmness, clarity, honesty & fairness. #civility
*Four years ago I blogged every day in October on civility, an exercise leading up to the Presidential election of 2012. We’re going to revisit those posts again this year. Join the conversation! Civility is as important a topic this year as four years ago, one we cannot simply ignore. Here’s the first of the posts…
Civil discourse is going to require us to not only “play well” with others, but also to “fight well.” Whether we are agreeing or disagreeing, shrill language, mob mentalities and dishonest misrepresentations of ourselves or others will not move the discourse forward.
Civil discourse will come from a place of calm honesty and thoughtful reflection. Strong reactions and first impressions need to be tempered with review, empathy and most of all, time.
Let’s be honest… it’s fun to be in a mob sometimes. It’s fun to “fly off the handle” and even self-validating when we leap into indignant attack or defense. Unfortunately, derailing civility derails the discourse. You need to “Enhance your calm, John Spartan.” (Demolition Man, 1993)
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