Civility
Nov. 15, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 15: I must own the response.
Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
One of the hardest principles of communication that we learned in college was that a communicator must own the response by the listener to the message. We studied cross-cultural communications and more general communications, learning to listen and understand an audience, to fashion our messages to meet the needs of a given context, and to receive back the response to the message. Receiving that response back and owning that response is crucial to dialogue.
When a communicator doesn’t own the response she says, “He just didn’t listen.” Or he says, “She’s not smart enough to understand what I’m saying.” This is a dead-end for communication. To be more personal, I’m guilty of having angrily snapped, “You’re just not listening!” We’ve all probably thrown up our hands at one time or another and exclaimed, “You’re just twisting what I said!”
It’s undeniable that there will be times my words are twisted. It’s going to happen that someone doesn’t listen. The principle we’re talking about doesn’t make me accountable for someone intentionally twisting my words, but it does remind me that I have to look at the response I receive when I communicate. The proverb above supports this principle by affirming that the message and it’s delivery can shape the response, for better or worse.
There are some assumptions about me at work in the Proverb of which I should take note: 1) I should be valuing the creation of peace between us, 2) I exercise a personal choice of how I will answer others, and 3) I know how to be gentle. If I have not valued peace, but instead focussed on defeating or dominating, then I’ve already made my choice and probably won’t even have the ability to respond in gentleness.
What do I want? Do I want to create peace, within the person with whom I speak and between us as human beings? Do I view someone as disposable and therefore not worth the effort to chose my words in a way that creates less friction between us? Have I exercised and practiced at being gentle? Have I bought into other ideas and principles that value my harshness over my gentleness? The answer is probably in the eyes of the person I last spoke with, if I’m willing to pay attention.
AMDG, Todd
Nov. 14, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 14: We really do change things with our civility! Really, really!
Luke 6:27 & 28, “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”
What can our civility do? What can you do with a penny? My wife and I were at our middle son’s high school this week and an Assistant Principal stopped to chat with us, and he told us a little story about our son from a week or so before. If you know our family then you’re acquainted with our second son, an amazing young man named Josiah who happens to have a diagnosis of Autism. We are so proud of him, as we are proud of all three of our sons. This story is just a little confirmation of our pride and an affirmation of the teachings of Christ. Civility really does change things for the better.
The Assistant Principal was telling us of an incident of another student who decided that day to harass Josiah. Unfortunately, students struggling with Autism and other challenges are often targeted for bullying. They both ended up in the school office and the Principal instructed the offending student to apologize to our son. He did, and the Principal said Josiah crossed his heart and accepted the apology… then said, “What a sec!” Josiah reached in his pocket and pulled out a penny and, handing it to the other student who had harassed him, he said, “Here, just a little something for good luck!”
The principal dismissed Josiah back to class and said the other student broke into tears and had to sit down. He asked the student why he was crying and the boy said, “I was so rude to him, and then he did that for me!” Of course, I want to sit and cry, too. I want to cry for all the bullying happening in schools across our nation today, to cry for the love and pride I have for my son, and to cry for the times I have repaid evil with evil instead of showing the strength and beauty my son showed that day.
Oh, and I’m going to stop scolding Josiah for picking up every coin he sees on the ground. I had no idea the significance he placed on a penny, or the kind of gesture he might make with one. Many of us would have a hard time saying we have an “enemy” to whom we might apply to words of Jesus, but the reality is that our kids often do.
What Jesus set in motion among us to change the cycle of incivility needs to come to fruition in our lives. It’s just too easy to want to punish the bully. It’s too easy to hate the offender. It’s too easy to let our base emotions rule the day. But when we wander into this new kingdom, when we cross the boundary into a new place of grace and forgiveness, we change the world, even if only one soul on one day. I want to be worthy of that Christ, worthy of such a kingdom, worthy of my son.
AMDG, Todd
Nov. 13, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 13: My civility is a prayer.
Psalm 19:12-14, “But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression. May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.”
I love those words, and it’s tough not to sing them in the melody in which I learned them long ago: “O let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O God.” I truly first heard the melody and placed this verse in my heart many years ago when first hearing Keith Lancaster singing the words, as he and his companions have sung so many verses of scripture into the fabric of my heart and soul. Just as a bonus, here are some the Acappella guys singing many beautiful passages woven together, including this prayer from Psalm 19: More Precious Than Gold.
About a year ago I began adding these words to our opening prayers at Church in Bethesda. It was a spontaneous move one morning, and it stuck. It really gets at the root of what we often hope and pray: we want to please our God. We want our words and actions to make God happy and to honor all that God has said and done. These words are usually slipped in right after inviting God to be our “honored guest” in worship and right before we all together pray the words of the prayer Jesus left to us in Matthew 6.
I realize that the words in Psalm 19 are probably most reflective of the preceding prayers that David has articulated: forgive my hidden sins and bend my will to your own. It’s safe to say that such a desire is going to be pleasing to God. To take the prayer “May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight…” out of Psalm 19 and apply them to my daily life is not to steal them from their truest meaning, but to give them a broader reach of hope. To bring them into my prayers for civility is not to misappropriate them, but it is to lift my daily words and actions into a new realm, into a new kingdom.
Have I brought my civility to God’s throne? Have I lifted my hopes and prayers to the level that David lifted his, to become an offering to God? If I see you on the street today, or if you drop by my office, or if we discuss politics or faith or fine dining, will I honor God with my meditations and words? Have I prayed it to the point that it’s woven into the liner of my heart and the tapestry of my soul? I won’t be up to the task every moment of every day, and I can easily imagine the times I will fail and fail memorably… but that is not a good enough reason not to journey on.
O God, forgive my hidden and secret sins, the ones I treasure too much and keep safely tucked away. I would be your servant, and that means I want to follow your lead in all my life, all my words and all my actions. I want to be more blameless, more worthy and more aware, of what you are doing in this world… and what you would do in me. May it be so.
AMDG, Todd
Nov. 12, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 12: Speaking the truth in love needs to be understood and practiced. It can be a hallmark of a civility that holds and shares it’s own convictions while upholding the dignity of another person.
Ephesians 4:14 & 15, “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the head, that is, Christ.”
I have heard the phrase “speaking the truth in love” all my life around churches and Christians. Almost without exception, it’s been used to justify a concept of “tough love” that we have brought from our culture into our faith. It’s been my experience that we have used the phrase to justify harshness and judgmental attitudes, all in the name of how much we love someone. It’s not been a comforting phrase for me or many others.
That’s a real shame. In the context of the passage, it’s love that is setting us in contrast to deceit and “craftiness.” It’s also set in a contrast between being infantile and being grown up, mature. The love part of our speaking the truth is not a justification for harshness or incivility in speaking the truth, it’s the part of us that is caring for and protecting the one to whom we speak. I don’t think we need to order the two, placing truth over love, or love over truth… let them go hand in hand, side by side. Neither is more important, but they both are incredibly needed and sacred.
Just to put it out there, I’m not necessarily saying that there’s never a time for what we might call “tough love.” I am saying that we need to stop abusing this verse. This verse is a call to love and to truth, both. Maybe we need a reminder of what love is and what love looks like among us, with a piece of 1 Corinthians 13…
4 Love is patient, love is kind, it isn’t jealous, it doesn’t brag, it isn’t arrogant, 5 it isn’t rude, it doesn’t seek its own advantage, it isn’t irritable, it doesn’t keep a record of complaints, 6 it isn’t happy with injustice, but it is happy with the truth. 7 Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails.
I know we like that passage for weddings, and it does fit very nicely in a wedding service. But the passage is a daily life passage, a me and you passage, a community passage. That is a picture of the love that is speaking truth in the Ephesians passage… it’s kind, patient, without jealousy, humble, encouraging (instead of bragging), in no way is it rude, selfish or self-centered. It’s hopeful, trusting, enduring and unfailing.
Can we be truthful and civil? Absolutely we can. If fact we can and should be both truthful and loving. Forget the craftiness and deceit of trying to be anything else, especially untruthful or unloving. Holding the two, truth and love, in tandem might be difficult, but it’s more than a worthy pursuit, it’s a necessity. I’m asking you to help me with it. Let’s grow up into Christ together.
AMDG, Todd
Nov. 11, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 11: Just let it go.
Proverbs 12:16, “Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.”
Truth is, not everything needs to be answered. Not every slight or offense needs to be acknowledged. Giving that satisfaction to every insult only validates the insult and often hands the reins of power to the other person. Incivility grows as the cycle of insult and response grows and continues.
Not every insult is even intentional. Take a deep breath. Buy yourself some time to chill out and reflect. And even if you figure that the insult, the other person’s incivility, was intentional… you can still just let it go. You know that thing Jesus said about “turning the other cheek” (Matthew 5:38-42) is maybe one of the most quoted and most misunderstood verses. Jesus didn’t say that we always let the accuser or the attacker have their way with us. Jesus said, “You have two cheeks, so use them both.” Go check it out… it’s in the context of Jesus pointing out how an “eye for an eye” and “tooth for a tooth” aren’t the only options we have for facing evil.
The eye and tooth thing was a restraining rule, it was meant to keep the aggrieved from unnecessarily escalating an offense. In other words, don’t take a whole head for an eye, or an arm for a tooth. But we’re so bad about managing our anger, we just keeping taking teeth and eyes until there’s nothing left for anyone. Slow things down… delay the fight… turn and present the other cheek.
We don’t need to be a people who leap to a fight. We don’t need to be a people who feed the trolls or the beast of incivility. We can leave that one to the foolish. It’s a hard teaching, found in both the proverb above and the words of Jesus. Being a victim of incivility does not license me to respond in kind.
AMDG, Todd
Nov. 10, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 10: Civility can bring us the greatest win of all.
Proverbs 11:16, “A gracious woman gains honor; violent men gain only wealth.”
I absolutely love this comparison: the gracious woman and the violent man. Is there a stream in the ancient wisdom that recognized what we often make mention of today, that men too quickly turn to violence, either verbal or physical? It was just a few weeks ago that we saw many news stories about the women of the Congress stepping in and helping bring about an end to our Federal shutdown and impasse.
A grace filled person can achieve a much greater “win” than the violent person who takes out of turn, out of season and out of anger. This is one of those truths of what Jesus taught about forgiveness, loving enemies and keeping the heart pure. This truth wars against the apparent domination of the violent, that the violent can seem to seize riches and success at a dizzyingly rapid rate. There’s a better win out there to have.
I feel like making a new saint, a patroness of the gracious. She is Our Woman of Grace. She’s not a saint to pray to, or event to pray with… but a saint to become. She is the leaving of my violence. She is the hope of a better thing to come than my anger and greed can produce. She is me, when I’m at my best, and you at yours.
AMDG, Todd
Nov. 9, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 9: Maybe it does matter what I watch?
Proverbs 4:23 & 24, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.”
I can’t say this is totally true for everyone, but I have seen it in my own life… if I want to cut down on the less civil words and responses in my life, I need to watch what I watch. I’m a Netflix addict, a movie fiend, and sometimes I’m not the wisest of watchers.
Jesus will echo this Proverb’s sentiment in his own ministry when speaking of purity in Luke 6:43-45, “Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” When I was a kid I heard it expressed as the axiom, “Garbage in, garbage out.” I was warned that if I filled up on the wrong stuff, the wrong stuff would come back up on me. Harsh words. Inappropriate words. Quick anger. Misplaced priorities. It’s all there and way too easy to pack too much in.
I need to choose the best source material. I need the best in to have the best out. I need to plan ahead for my civility by guarding the source.
AMDG, Todd
Nov. 8, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 8: The civility of shutting my mouth pays big returns.
Proverbs 10:19, “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.”
This past Sunday at Church in Bethesda we started the month’s series of exploring the big themes of scripture that support civility, and this past weekend we talked about the theme of “I need to shut my mouth!” How many times does something strike us the wrong way, and a harsh or even inaccurate retort is flying before we really think things through? Are you able to see something on Facebook you don’t like and just scroll on? Can I keep my mouth shut when it really doesn’t need to be open?
The first half of the verse is challenging for a pastor, or any blogger or pundit for that matter. What? Stop multiplying words? Words are our tools! Words are an amazing gift! Our species rocks the world of words! But, still the proverb warns us of thinking that more and more words are what we need. Sometimes we need silence. The prudent know this.
pru·dent 1. acting with or showing care and thought for the future.
So here’s how I break it down, the return on investing in some quiet…
Shutting my mouth buys me time…
~ to think and reflect. I may even think of a clarifying question that gets us a lot further in our dialogue than a pointed reply.
~ to listen. The old saying is that “God gave us one mouth and two ears, so be quiet and listen!”
~ to forgive. Too much is said too soon, too loudly and too wrongly, because I want to punish and retort more than I want to forgive and extend grace.
~ to choose what I will eventually say. If given a chance, on almost any day, how much of what we say would we say differently? If only we had a 10 second delay on our speech, hmmmm?
~ to stop a fight before it even gets started. That’s choice peacemaker stuff right there!
~ to stop a fight after it gets started by breaking the cycle. Because someone has to break that cycle of responses and one-uppers. Again, peacemaking instead of peacebreaking.
Developing the art of shutting my mouth is not saying that words aren’t important or valuable, but in truth, it’s living like my words actually are important and valuable. It comes down to being aware of my words. Have I given myself time to make sure that my words are going to support the future instead of killing it before it has a chance to happen? If I go quiet on you, don’t worry… I’m probably just trying to buy myself the time I need to really value you and the words I’ll eventually say.
AMDG, Todd
Nov. 7, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 7: Civility is a debt I owe my neighbor.
Proverbs 3:29-31, “Do not plot harm against your neighbor, who lives trustfully near you. Do not accuse anyone for no reason– when they have done you no harm. Do not envy the violent or choose any of their ways.”
These few verses do a wonderful job of challenging an entrenched individualism and distorted sense of self-preservation that is an undercurrent to a lot of American dialogue… in my humble opinion. The scriptural witness often points us outward to a concern and care for others that at times will seem to defy common sense and definitely push us out of our comfort zones. The verses today are somewhat passive in their nature of “don’t do.” They are also somewhat aggressive in their nature of re-orienting me from one wisdom to another.
What do I not do as a civil person of faith? I don’t plot ill for someone else, especially the “trusting” neighbor. We’ve already mentioned the place of empathy in civility, and now we add a new level of trustworthiness and “neighbor-care.” My neighbor should be able to trust that I’m not plotting against her or him. I hold a responsibility to commit myself to my neighbor’s good.
In the same vein, I will not falsely accuse that neighbor. False accusation is not in their best interest, and therefore is it not an option for me. We sometimes speak of the public trust and what responsibilities the various levels of government owe us as citizens, but do we speak enough of the trust we hold to one another as neighbors? I must not plot and accuse the trusting, innocent neighbor. Civility means I am worthy of their trust.
What about the neighbor who is not so innocent? I mean, if my neighbor steps out of line, well… we have a saying for that, right? We say, “Fight fire with fire!” I would bet the first time I ever heard that saying was in a cartoon, right around the time Bugs Bunny was declaring, “Of course you know, this means war!” But wherever I first heard it, there’s no question it’s an entrenched axiom (a perceived self-evident truth) that we have embraced. Our proverb challenges that with a simple injunction: Don’t envy the violent or adopt their ways.
Wow. My faith is calling me to something greater than fighting fire with fire? I immediately think of St. Paul’s poetic words in Romans 12:21, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” That’s such an awesome chapter, right?
Civility in my life will grow from a faithful development of trustworthiness in myself and a refusal to perpetuate the cycles created by a self-centered need to retaliate in kind against offenses to me. I look to my neighbor’s best interests. My neighbor, innocent or not, trusting or not, violent or not, has reason to expect a consistent lack of malice from me. No matter the gain that seems attainable by the ways of the violent, my path is already chosen and set. I pray that my neighbor is always safe with me.
AMDG, Todd
Nov. 6, 2013 Civility in Xian Scripture
November 6: I am civil with the created because I revere the Creator.
James 3:10 & 11, “Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?”
I once lived by a spring. I had grown up for some years running in the woods and playing in and around little spring-fed creeks, but then I moved and lived next to a bonafide right-there-in-front-of-me spring, a hole in the ground that simply gave and gave and gave. It fed several stock tanks and then a creek that meandered off somewhere past my fields of wandering. That spring held my imagination. It was both cool and scary… it was primal.
James has a lot to say about our tongues and our words, and I’ve always enjoyed his poetic bent. He won’t just say, “Hey! Stop thinking you can use your words to bless and curse. Hypocrisy and doubled-mindedness like that is no good. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Instead he says, “Think about your identity and nature. What is your primal identity? Is yours a nature that blesses or a nature that curses? Is your primal well of being a source of pure, sweet thought and word? Or is that essential spring of your life a salty wasteland that doesn’t give life?”
James doesn’t think we can cultivate two streams of life, one of cursing and one of praising, one of sweetness and one of saltiness, but instead he expects us to choose. In the context of the passage he points to a problem with thinking we will praise God but curse God’s created people. He doesn’t believe we can be two people, reserving respect, dignity and praise for the Creator while living a life of cursing, reviling and destruction with the created. It’s my very love and respect for God that becomes the basis of my love and respect of God’s created people.
I don’t have the option of loving God and hating people. I don’t have the option of being a “fig tree” with God and a “grapevine” with people. James insists that I be a whole person whose primal well-spring is consistent, sincere and good. And that is going to take some intention and some effort.
James alludes to it being a matter of “maturity” and that’s a good word for it. This consistent wellspring of my life will be the product of growth and development. It has been chosen and pursued. It’s no accident. Neither a fig tree nor a grapevine will reach maturity on accident, but by the collusion of their nature, their cellular intent and the proper environmental conditions. As humans we have this amazing gift of conscience and consciousness. We are co-creators even as we are part of the created. So we are not just fig trees and grapevines; we are participants in making ourselves. Will we choose the best fruit, a consistent fruit and a “praiseful” fruit for our neighbors?
I’m thinking back on that spring when I was young and the way it made me a little fearful. Clear, sweet water came from it, but I couldn’t see the bottom. There was no end to it’s giving. Maybe that’s my fear with civility. If I open that well in my life and give myself to it, where will it end? Who will come to drink of that well? Will I be emptied and drained completely? Can my well keep me refreshed while having to give so much to others? If I live a life toward the created that I live toward the Creator, will they abuse the gift? Will they understand? Will they be wasteful of it? Will they be deserving?
Faith says I can give my well to God. Faith says that I can trust God with the bottom I can’t see. Jesus promised a Samaritan woman that he would provide a drink of water that would become an internal wellspring of life (John 4). He promised it to anyone who came to him for a drink. There is my seed-spring, my well-beginning. So the intent is the starting place, and then comes the long walk of effort. It feels cool and kinda scary. My faith says I can do this, but I still get a bit wibbly inside when I can’t see the bottom.
AMDG, Todd
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